Dirty Mike’s Top 10 Movies of 2012

Spitchtown’s BEST ALBUMS OF ‘12 OMG LIST

The “Best Albums of 2012” lists are somehow starting to prematurely trickle out of the woodwork even though there’s an entire month left in the calendar year. These specific publications must be the ones with psychics on staff who already know there aren’t any December releases that’ll whet anyone’s whistle. As a panic move/last ditch effort to keep up with the times, Spitchtown will retroactively release its BEST ALBUM OF 2012 OMG LIST…

…in a second. Cool your jets, my spitches. First, let’s take a voyeuristic gander through the window into the homes of what disappointed us most this year. These albums are dubbed the “worst” even though there were undoubtedly worse releases this year. For the sake of hyperbolic journalism, these are the worst of the worst of the WORST:

SUCKIEST BUNCH OF (2012) ALBUMS THAT EVER SUCKED:

4. Passion Pit - GOSSAMER

Eww. Other than “Constant Conversations.” That sh*t is sick.

3. The Shins - PORT OF MORROW
Port of UGH. The first outright “bad” Shins album. Generic, color by numbers pop songs. Didn’t realize James Mercer was capable of something this bland. You forgot to add the Splenda/jamz, James, THE SPLENDA/JAMZ.

2. Best Coast - THE ONLY PLACE
The only place this belongs is in a trash heap!” -Bethany Cosentino (probably). I listened to The Only Place all the way through four or five times hoping it would just click. It didn’t. I wouldn’t subject my enemies to listening to it. She did away completely with what made Crazy For You so great (lo-fi, upbeatness, the jamz).

SUCKIEST ALBUM OF 2012:
Sleigh Bells - REIGN OF TERROR
Hell = this on a loop. If Sleigh Bells’ first album Treats was delicious candy, Reign of Terror is bellybutton lint. There’s nothing even slightly redeemable about it. It even makes a sh*tty doorstop especially if you buy it in mp3 form.

Now for the positive stuff…

HONORABLE MENTIONS

This stuff just missed the cut, but still should be considered solid albums.

Alpine - A IS FOR ALPINE
Catchy girlgroup pop. They blew up after their video for “Hands” which features a bunch of depressed girls in their underwear chopping watermelons and licking their hands, axes, and reflections. Everyone knows this is the go-to music video concept if you wanna ‘blow up,’ en quote.
Video for “Hands:”
(click here)
Best Tracks:
“Hands,” “Gasoline”

Kendrick Lamar - GOOD KID, M.A.A.D. CITY
Pseudo-thug rap. Lyrically, the best release this year. Intelligent, conscious rhyming from a guy with a flow so good it makes up for the lack of hooks.
This thing is filled with so many Compton stories of Lamar’s teenage years, it might as well be considered an audiobook. This album also wins the award for “Most times an artist says their own name on an album” (m.a.a.d. City uses the word “Kendrick” 319 times, barely edging out The Idler Wheel’s 312 “Fiona” ‘s).
There are no videos for this album because f*ck you (Kendrick’s words, not mine)
Best Tracks:
“Backseat Freestyle,” “Money Trees (ft. Jay Rock),” “Poetic Justice (ft. Drake)”

Wild Nothing - NOCTURNE
80s throwback Cure-esque jamz. These guys throw down.
Video for “Paradise.” (click here) which stars Michelle Williams and looks like it was filmed on a cell phone from 2002.
Best Tracks: “Shadow”, “Nocturne”

Now for the top 10 albums of 2012, in Spitchtown’s opinion:

SPITCHTOWN’S TOP 10 BEST ALBUMS OF 2012 OMG LIST:

10. Fiona Apple - THE IDLER WHEEL…
Alternative-alternative piano alt-rock(?). Uncomfortably vulnerable and stuffed to the brim with clever wordplay. The aural equivalent to a trainwreck. I just couldn’t pry my ears away from this despite it not being overly catchy. DOES ANYONE KNOW WHY THIS POOR WOMAN IS SO HEARTBROKEN?

Video for “Every Single Night:”
(link)
Best Tracks:
“Every Single Night,” “Werewolf,” “Anything We Want”

9. Grimes - VISIONS
Atypical electronic jams sung by some chick with a lisp. Spitchtown almost went to a Grimes show but wussed out. Short story shorter: WE REGRET IT.
Video for “Oblivion:” (click here)
Best Tracks: “Oblivion,” “Genesis” “Symphonia”

8. Animal Collective - CENTIPEDE HZ
VERY experimental-pop. Creative songwriting with some of the catchiest melodies ever heard by man buried under heaps and heaps of reverb and effects.
Not bad for a collection of animals. NOTE: SPITCHTOWN SAW AVEY TARE & ANGEL DERADOORIAN ON A DATE AT A HOSPITALITY SHOW & DIDN’T HAVE THE MARBLES TO SAY ANYTHING + JUST GIGGLED/STARED AT THEM AWKWARDLY FOR 2 HOURS. COOL, HUH?
Video for “Today’s Supernatural:” (link)
Best Tracks:
“Moonjock,” “Today’s Supernatural,” “New Town Burnout”

7. Flying Lotus/Captain Murphy - UNTIL THE QUIET COMES/DUALITY
Electronic-Jazz/Horrorcore-Rap. This is cheating cause it’s two albums, but they’re from the same guy and show both sides of the FlyLo coin (the tails side, Odd Future-esque rapping, no one even knew he had until he revealed himself to be the mysterious Captain Murphy). Flying Lotus is an artist in every sense and the best producer in existence. He has the ability to create worlds within each “song” and even stretch the boundaries of what a song even is. This music takes a while to sink in but when it does, you’ll realize it was worth it
(total time to “sink in” varies by genetics/THC % in bloodstream).
Video for Flying Lotus’ “Putty Boy Strut:” (link)
Video for Capt. Murphy’s “Mighty Morphin’ Foreskin:” (link)
Best Tracks (UTQC):
“Tiny Tortures,” “Putty Boy Strut,” “The Nightcaller”
Best Tracks (D):
“Mighty Morphin’ Foreskin,” “The Killing Joke” “Between Friends (ft. Earl Sweatshirt)”

6. Frank Ocean - CHANNEL ORANGE
R&B/Hip-hop. Chill party music that pumps new blood into an entire genre of music. An album so easily digestible, it’s hard to disagree with its
universal allure. Well-produced and well-written by a very young up-and-comer, Channel ORANGE will probably be the most popular album on this list in 10 years once Ocean blows up (tidal waves?) more. Also, he’s gay or something. Did you guys hear about this? He’s gay. Gay.
Video for “Pyramids:” (link)
Best Tracks:
“Thinkin Bout You,” “Sweet Life,” “Super RIch Kids (ft. Earl Sweatshirt)”

5. Dirty Projectors - SWING LO MAGELLAN
Experimental-rock. Catchy, indescribable music.
There’s cute/peculiar girls that go “AAHHHHHhhhh ooooohhh!” a lot if that’s your thing? It’s mine. Video evidence of Dirty Projectors’ equal parts cuteness/peculiarity Spitchtown witnessed in person: (link)
Video for entire album “Hi Custodian:” (link)
Best Tracks
: “About to Die,” “The Socialites,” “Just From Chevron,” “Unto Caesar”

4. Beach House - BLOOM
Shimmering dream-pop. Pound for pound, the most consistent album from this band, although none of the tracks match the first four tracks from Teen Dream, maybe the best album of 2010. Beach House works because their sound is so unlike anything else out there. The emotions they provoke, despite lyrical density, is an achievement in itself. Another achievement by this album: it wins the award for “Most white dots on an album cover” with 2 trillion. Note: I’m pretty sure Victoria LeGrand is a witch judging by her concert Spitchtown visited earlier this year: (link)
Video for “Lazuli:” (link)

Best Tracks:
“Myth,” “Wild,” “New Year,” “Lazuli,” “Other People”

3. Hospitality - HOSPITALITY
Catchy, straightforward indie-pop.
This crap has been stuck in my head for like 8 months. GET IT OUT. "Lock the door and throw the keeeeey aaaa-wwwwaayyy-ayyyy…" UGH. I don’t know who those people on the cover are, but they’re probably nice/hospitalitable. This was another band Spitchtown visited this year: (link)
Video for “Friends of Friends:” (link)
Best Tracks:
“Eighth Avenue,” “Argonauts,” “Liberal Arts,” “Julie”

2. Grizzly Bear - SHIELDS
Baroque indie-rock. More uplifting than Veckatimest, their 2009 masterpiece, but equally epic in scope and production. My favorite track on this has shifted like 13 times and there’s only 10 songs. At this point, my favorite song on Shields isn’t even present on the album (it’s “21 Questions” by 50 Cent).
Best Tracks:
“Sleeping Ute,” “Yet Again,” “Half Gate,” “A Simple Answer”
Video for “Yet Again:” (link)

For a while, I figured Shields was going to be my favorite album of 2012. Other than “Adelma,” a minute long instrumental, there isn’t a second of filler on this thing. But I couldn’t in good conscience give Shields the title when this album exists…

THE BEST ALBUM OF 2012 OMG:

Tame Impala - LONERISM
Trippy psychedelic indie-rock. A hippie throwback band fronted by a guy who sounds more like John Lennon than John Lennon did. Songwriting, melodies, song variation, lyrics, production… this album just fires on all cylinders. While it borrows a lot from its 60s influences, Lonerism still sounds wholly fresh and original. It’s the best album of 2012. Note: These guys either do a lot of drugs or there isn’t anything else; that’s the only option. PLZ BE SAFE, TAME IMPALA :/
Video for “Feels Like We Only Go Backwards:” (link)
Best Tracks:
“Feels Like We Only Go Backwards,” “Keep On Lying,” “Elephant,” “Why Won’t They Talk to Me?” “Be Above It”… literally all of them honestly.

-Sully

Coach Tracy Episode 2: “Comeback Kids”

Here’s episode 2 where we find Coach Tracy getting a production budget boost of $40 million. We rented out the Griffith Observatory for a month to get those 3 shots. We hope you like it. Little known bit of trivia is that the “opposing teams” Dirty Mike and the Boys play in flag football are all actors we find off Craigslist. Many of them agree to be paid in prescription pain killers.

-Sully

Coach Tracy Episode 1: “4th Down in the Dumps”

This was the first episode of the 2nd Season of Coach Tracy (Season 1 is available on iTunes for 19.99USD). Here we find Coach at his lowest, broken up over a girl while his players are performing perfectly well without his tutelage.

"Get ready to puke in ecstasy. I literally evacuated every drop of bile from my body thinking about how amazing this series is." - Roger Ebert, Chicago-Sun Times

"TNT Knows Drama. TNT has no idea what this is though. What does TNT stand for?" - Ty Burr, Boston Globe

"Isn’t this just flag football? Who cares?" -Peter Travers, Rolling Stone

-Sully

Sully & Cherith: Moses Campbell @ The Smell

The saddest I’ve ever felt in my life was when Shadow was saying he was too old to get out of that mudpit during the climax of Homeward Bound 2: Lost in San Fransisco (YOUTUBE LINK!) and pretty much came to terms with dying down there. Chance and Sassy were like, “Shut up you old piece of sh*t, at least try!” and then Shadow, after some more deliberation, awkwardly flailed his arthritic golden retriever limbs around until he climbed out in under 1 minute.

These animals simply weren’t smart.

Second place in terms of sadness has to go to August 31, 2012 when I bid $328.30 on eBay for two tickets to go see a showing of the 1998 animated film The Prince of Egypt on the lawn in celebration for the Blu-Ray release and I couldn’t find David Tracy to bring with me. If Tracy’s absence was Shadow giving up on life, I guess you could say meeting Cherith was the equivalent of Shadow climbing out of that mudpit; my seemingly bottomless sadness was immediately satiated in under 45 seconds.

Cherith and I ended up at some Moses Campbell show which was ironic, or coincidental if you’re anal about the exact definition of the term “ironic,” because Moses is one of the major characters in Prince of Egypt I hear. I got a call later in the night from my mom who keeps up with pop culture. Needless to say it made me glad Cherith and I didn’t end up at the viewing on the lawn because apparently the projector caught on fire and every single person in attendance died except for the guy who did the box art for the DVD. He’s currently not a suspect for arson.

Here’s a review from Time Magazine of the “Prince of Egypt Lawn Experience: DFTBYOC!!!! (Don’t Forget to Bring Your Own Cocaine!!!!” (what the event was dubbed):

PRINCE OF EGYPT? MORE LIKE PRINCE OF OH MY GOD EVERYONE’S ON FIRE: My Night on the Lawn

by Christina Van Crenshaw

Guess someone forgot to bring a projector not built in 1982 because this lawn viewing of The Prince of Egypt just got a little too “HOT TO HANDLE,” if you catch my drift, i.e., the friggin’ thing caught on fire and blew up during the chariot race scene between Moses and Ramses II and now every man, woman, child, and stray cat within a 300 foot radius are writhing in pain. Fortunately, there’s still a faded picture vaguely being projected through the flames so some of us are still attempting to follow the film. Unfortunately, however, we’ll be dead in less than two mi


The article cuts out there because the guy died but you get the point. It would have been awkward to be on fire after we just met so good thing we didn’t go.

Moses Campbell was kinda sick though!

FINAL GRADE: L (for I LOVED these guys!)

-Sully

Sully & Tracy: Toro y Moi @ Huntington Beach

Couple things about this video.

1. This is 100% true and a compressed amalgam of everything that transpired on August 3rd, 2012.
2. Alexis is no longer dating David. This is not my fault.
3. Alexis and I are dating.
4. 3 Blankets were not enough (there was much more chillwave than we had bargained for)
5. Chazwick Bundick knows how to (beach) party. I didn’t know you could make a keyboard coo like the way he figured out.
6. Getting crowd-surfed is an innate skill that should not be attempted by the inexperienced. Some people are pros and some just get flipped on their stomachs and all of a sudden it’s an out of season Gropefest 2012.

Also, this video serves as a tutorial for picking up chicks with boyfriends:
1. Criticize her weight.
2. Tell a sob story to make her feel bad for you.
3. Make her laugh via insulting her boyfriend, in front of her boyfriend.

Follow these simple steps and she’ll be sitting on your lap wearing your hat and glasses in no time at all.

-Sully

Sully & Tracy: Dirt Progress + White Oakleys @ House of Blues San Diego

Funny story. Dave-Trace and I depart into the wilderness (the term I delegate to everything on earth outside the confines of my house) to go to an Evanescence show. Fate plops us at a Thirty Projections show with the White Oakleys opening. Needless to say, we were impressed with the results. The Projections’ four vocalists, even if multiplied together, couldn’t touch Amy Lee. But they held their own, irregardless. My favorite Projection was the girl with puffy hair who played the bongo and my favorite song was “Stillness is the JB Smoove” because it reminds me of my angsty childhood in Temecula. Directly after the show, David and I took turns interrupting all the band members’ conversations with their close friends to ask for pics:

Drummer Guy, David

This guy was mad chill. He multitasks during their performances by playing drums, bass, instagramming candid pics of his White Oakley counterpart while she’s on stage and answering fanmail because LOL ALICE CERTAINLY ISN’T GONNA DO THAT STUFF!

David, Alice Oakley

She didn’t speak much English but what she lacked in common sense, she more than made up for in NBA Championship trophy arm tattoos.

Keyboard Waif, Sully

She was the first girl I ever met who weighed less than whatever the Kelvin scale can pick up.

Sully, Girl w/ Puffy Hair Who Played the Bongo

I am hopelessly in love with her. And her bongo.

Sully, America Coughlin

We asked her if she was still about to die. She spit at us and started making that noise she made during “Beautiful Mother/Wittenberg IV.” We took that as a yes.

Sully, Lance Armstreth, David

This guy wasn’t even in any of the bands, he just looked approachable and he said he rides bikes for a living which is friggin’ sick because when I was in kindergarten that’s literally what I told my now dead dog I would grow up and do.

And just to give background to the anecdote in the car (the instance in my life where i first doubted the gods): In 2005, I honeymooned with my sweetheart in Niger. Before I could even blink, a band of dozens and dozens and dozens of toddlers overtook the village, reigning supreme and forcing their captives, i.e., us, to do their bidding. The wanted so much rare sh*t on eBay, mostly hard-to-find PS1 games. They lorded over the pharmacies and the water supply. Everyone was alotted one sip of muddy water per day. My throat WAS parched so, but to be fair I was hamming it up a little bit for my friend David so he would feel empathy for once.

FINAL CONCERT GRADE: 12 out of 10

-Sully

Tawny’s Re: Re: Re: The Dark Knight Rises

Spitchtunnel,

 I very recently ran across your tumble spot, and I have to say… I AM IMPRESSED! Wow! Seriously. I cannot believe some of the stuff I am reading. Three different reviews for The Dark Knight Rises! Fanboy heaven ;). That being said, I recently saw a movie, “Magic Michael”, and I wanted ya’ll to read my thoughts. If it’s good enough to post, please refer to me as Tawny Teebles, so that my real name (David Walker Tracy) will not be revealed.

 Without further ado. Here’s my review. (Rhymes betches!)

 Let me start by saying, I did not know what I was in for when I walked into the Apple Store to buy a new macbook in order to illegally download Magic Michael. This movie flips social order on its head, and paves a slick road to a promising future for newcomer, Channing Tator. It doesn’t shy away from graphics and nudity, but instead embraces it with open arms. If you’re one to close your eyes during nudie scenes let me make myself clear:

 The dicks are out, and the dicks are hard in Magic Michael!

Seriously, I haven’t seen so many peens in such a short amount of time since my 3rd grade field trip to Six Flags. In this movie, we have all kinds of genitalia embroidering the silver screen. Matthew McCannesahay’s junk stands out in particular.

 *SPOILERS AHEAD*

There is a scene in “Magic” that I think bumped it from a 3 star softcore porno to a 4 star psychological thriller. Channing’s character breaks down into tears and screams, “I don’t want to be a male stripper anymore!” Matthew looks at him with a gentle look in his eye and says, “I didn’t either when I first started, but I’m you. You have multiple personality disorder.”

 WHAT!? I hope the bonne air police aren’t around, because I’d be arrested for sure!

What a sick, twisted film. In a GOOD way though! Every single line of dialogue packs a deeper meaning. The film is definitely in the form of the Neo-Totalitarianism style, but it has elements of the French Chill Wave Step as well. The cinematography is a bit bland, but they did that ON PURPOSE! The acting is great AS USUAL! The directing is spot on AS IT SHOULD BE WHEN DEALING WITH THE SOURCE MATERIAL!

 Such a FUN flick. I cannot wait to buy this movie on DVD/BLURAY, so I can get T-bagged in the comfort of my own living room.

I give this movie an A+.

Anne Hathington has a nice bum.

-Tawny

Peter’s Dark Knight Rises Re:Rebuttal

I don’t know what this cacophony of reviews and intelligent dialogue are doing on spitchtown’s front page, but something needed to be said—Micah and Sully—to both of your critical appraisals of TDKR…

Things that was good about the bat men 3:

  • BANE’S MASK: he was all scary and sh*t.

  • JOHN BLAKE: called that Robin thing from minute 0.

  • BRUCE WAYNE: Who doesn’t wanna do the sex with Marion Cotillard?!

  • GOTHAM’S INSTANT/UNCONTESTED TAKEOVER: the kids prayed with the pastor, so everybody’s cool.

  • DIALOGUE: got bored while the dictionary.com page was loading. Still don’t know what this is.

  • MUSIC: frank ocean is a homo.

Little Orphan Annie Hathaway got this part because she was naked with Katie Holmes’s Replacement’s brother in that one movie about drugs.

Final Grade: Two Thumbs Way UP + One Thumb In the Middle

-Peter

Micah’s Dark Knight Rises Rebuttal

To Sully:

I would like to take a quick Pittsburgh minute out of your busy day to write a rebuttal to your TDKR review. From the perspective of a Nolan Suck up/Babbling fool….

First and foremost a forewarning from our forefathers is in order, to insure that you are in a stable state of mind both mentally and cognitively. Helter Skelter brain patterns and alliteration allotment and ability may or may not be enhanced or reduced by reading my response remarks that will in fact “debunk” all of your Dark Knight criticism. Despite the fact that your cozy bunk bed offers up lies and strange amounts of room for activities, I will personally dismantle this resting place starting with the ladder… of the two. You have smothered fans with the pillow of aggression; locked them in a Bane-like sleeper hold til they doze off either from a lack of oxygen or boredom from your 165 minute runtime of violent negativity. Its time to RISE from this bed, own up to your faulty critiques, and wipe the sleep from you eyes to see clearly cause the night is darkness just before the dawn and the dead are coming! (back on AMC in October).

  • BANE’S MASK: Firstly, you will not find a better masked actor than Haden Christensen method acting the role of Lord Vader himself. The dude had a shark devour him into a limbless half tard so he could play the part. Put aside the fact that he thought he was auditioning for Soul Surfer and at the same time getting in shape for the lead role in “Limitless” which later reminded him of his illiteracy. But amputate him some slack because he grew up a slave with his mom. Just two pees in a podracer trying to survive. So I think that will clear up your confusion about Banes Mask.
  • JOHN BLAKE: Did Nolan awkwardly juggle John Blake, or did Robin’s acroBATic skills juggle Nolan?? Answer me that. On first thought, don’t answer it. Lets just wait 5 years for a cheesy Batman remake with far worse CGI effects starring Eduardo Saverin.
  • BRUCE WAYNE: B. Wayne….a man after my own cartilage. Im not going to sit here and say a paraplegic can heal from 100 sit ups. I will however sit here and say a paraplegic can RISE like a Dark Knight by doing 120 TRILLION sit ups and giving 150 thousand percent. I don’t think you can begin to fathom the thought of even the idea of possibly thinking about trying to attempt Christian Bale’s workout routine for this movie.
  • GOTHAM’S TAKEOVER: 2 words for ya… You should be as afraid of Bane as I am. Picture Tom Hardy leather strapping you to an electric chair with your balls in a vice, beating you raw. Now picture all of the same horror without any of the outlandish homosexual undertones. The sheer size of Bane’s traps could take over Gotham. He could lock that place up with his left groin. Tom Hardy is probably a straight guy… at the very least hes a straight shooter if you know what I mean.
  • DIALOGUE: There were so many timeless witty monologues in this film, I don’t even know where to start. “You and your men better batten down the hatches” you literally cannot write that, its on par with Ghost Rider 2.
  • MUSIC: Hansel Zimmerman does not make mistakes. You know I heard he makes all his music in a so called “garage band”. Not sure what that means, but sounds like B. Wayne isn’t the only certifiably insane crazy mo-fo with a Batcave. Am I RIGHT?!

Bottom line, your review just does not RISE to the occasion. Good thing Im Spitchtowns reckoning and I don’t even wear a muzzle. If Chris Nolan read your b.s. (no offense) he would personally take a dump in a FedEx box and have Saint Nick Cage deliver it your doorstep on Christmas morning.

Gotham’s Rebuttal

-Micah