The “Best Albums of 2012” lists are somehow starting to prematurely trickle out of the woodwork even though there’s an entire month left in the calendar year. These specific publications must be the ones with psychics on staff who already know there aren’t any December releases that’ll whet anyone’s whistle. As a panic move/last ditch effort to keep up with the times, Spitchtown will retroactively release its BEST ALBUM OF 2012 OMG LIST…
…in a second. Cool your jets, my spitches. First, let’s take a voyeuristic gander through the window into the homes of what disappointed us most this year. These albums are dubbed the “worst” even though there were undoubtedly worse releases this year. For the sake of hyperbolic journalism, these are the worst of the worst of the WORST:
SUCKIEST BUNCH OF (2012) ALBUMS THAT EVER SUCKED:
4. Passion Pit - GOSSAMER
Eww. Other than “Constant Conversations.” That sh*t is sick.
3. The Shins - PORT OF MORROW
Port of UGH. The first outright “bad” Shins album. Generic, color by numbers pop songs. Didn’t realize James Mercer was capable of something this bland. You forgot to add the Splenda/jamz, James, THE SPLENDA/JAMZ.
2. Best Coast - THE ONLY PLACE
”The only place this belongs is in a trash heap!” -Bethany Cosentino (probably). I listened to The Only Place all the way through four or five times hoping it would just click. It didn’t. I wouldn’t subject my enemies to listening to it. She did away completely with what made Crazy For You so great (lo-fi, upbeatness, the jamz).
SUCKIEST ALBUM OF 2012:
Sleigh Bells - REIGN OF TERROR
Hell = this on a loop. If Sleigh Bells’ first album Treats was delicious candy, Reign of Terror is bellybutton lint. There’s nothing even slightly redeemable about it. It even makes a sh*tty doorstop especially if you buy it in mp3 form.
Now for the positive stuff…
This stuff just missed the cut, but still should be considered solid albums.
Alpine - A IS FOR ALPINE
Catchy girlgroup pop. They blew up after their video for “Hands” which features a bunch of depressed girls in their underwear chopping watermelons and licking their hands, axes, and reflections. Everyone knows this is the go-to music video concept if you wanna ‘blow up,’ en quote.
Video for “Hands:” (click here)
Best Tracks: “Hands,” “Gasoline”
Kendrick Lamar - GOOD KID, M.A.A.D. CITY
Pseudo-thug rap. Lyrically, the best release this year. Intelligent, conscious rhyming from a guy with a flow so good it makes up for the lack of hooks. This thing is filled with so many Compton stories of Lamar’s teenage years, it might as well be considered an audiobook. This album also wins the award for “Most times an artist says their own name on an album” (m.a.a.d. City uses the word “Kendrick” 319 times, barely edging out The Idler Wheel’s 312 “Fiona” ‘s).
There are no videos for this album because f*ck you (Kendrick’s words, not mine)
Best Tracks: “Backseat Freestyle,” “Money Trees (ft. Jay Rock),” “Poetic Justice (ft. Drake)”
Wild Nothing - NOCTURNE
80s throwback Cure-esque jamz. These guys throw down.
Video for “Paradise.” (click here) which stars Michelle Williams and looks like it was filmed on a cell phone from 2002.
Best Tracks: “Shadow”, “Nocturne”
Now for the top 10 albums of 2012, in Spitchtown’s opinion:
SPITCHTOWN’S TOP 10 BEST ALBUMS OF 2012 OMG LIST:
10. Fiona Apple - THE IDLER WHEEL…
Alternative-alternative piano alt-rock(?). Uncomfortably vulnerable and stuffed to the brim with clever wordplay. The aural equivalent to a trainwreck. I just couldn’t pry my ears away from this despite it not being overly catchy. DOES ANYONE KNOW WHY THIS POOR WOMAN IS SO HEARTBROKEN?
Video for “Every Single Night:” (link)
Best Tracks: “Every Single Night,” “Werewolf,” “Anything We Want”
9. Grimes - VISIONS
Atypical electronic jams sung by some chick with a lisp. Spitchtown almost went to a Grimes show but wussed out. Short story shorter: WE REGRET IT.
Video for “Oblivion:” (click here)
Best Tracks: “Oblivion,” “Genesis” “Symphonia”
8. Animal Collective - CENTIPEDE HZ
VERY experimental-pop. Creative songwriting with some of the catchiest melodies ever heard by man buried under heaps and heaps of reverb and effects. Not bad for a collection of animals. NOTE: SPITCHTOWN SAW AVEY TARE & ANGEL DERADOORIAN ON A DATE AT A HOSPITALITY SHOW & DIDN’T HAVE THE MARBLES TO SAY ANYTHING + JUST GIGGLED/STARED AT THEM AWKWARDLY FOR 2 HOURS. COOL, HUH?
Video for “Today’s Supernatural:” (link)
Best Tracks: “Moonjock,” “Today’s Supernatural,” “New Town Burnout”
7. Flying Lotus/Captain Murphy - UNTIL THE QUIET COMES/DUALITY
Electronic-Jazz/Horrorcore-Rap. This is cheating cause it’s two albums, but they’re from the same guy and show both sides of the FlyLo coin (the tails side, Odd Future-esque rapping, no one even knew he had until he revealed himself to be the mysterious Captain Murphy). Flying Lotus is an artist in every sense and the best producer in existence. He has the ability to create worlds within each “song” and even stretch the boundaries of what a song even is. This music takes a while to sink in but when it does, you’ll realize it was worth it (total time to “sink in” varies by genetics/THC % in bloodstream).
Video for Flying Lotus’ “Putty Boy Strut:” (link)
Video for Capt. Murphy’s “Mighty Morphin’ Foreskin:” (link)
Best Tracks (UTQC): “Tiny Tortures,” “Putty Boy Strut,” “The Nightcaller”
Best Tracks (D): “Mighty Morphin’ Foreskin,” “The Killing Joke” “Between Friends (ft. Earl Sweatshirt)”
6. Frank Ocean - CHANNEL ORANGE
R&B/Hip-hop. Chill party music that pumps new blood into an entire genre of music. An album so easily digestible, it’s hard to disagree with its universal allure. Well-produced and well-written by a very young up-and-comer, Channel ORANGE will probably be the most popular album on this list in 10 years once Ocean blows up (tidal waves?) more. Also, he’s gay or something. Did you guys hear about this? He’s gay. Gay.
Video for “Pyramids:” (link)
Best Tracks: “Thinkin Bout You,” “Sweet Life,” “Super RIch Kids (ft. Earl Sweatshirt)”
5. Dirty Projectors - SWING LO MAGELLAN
Experimental-rock. Catchy, indescribable music. There’s cute/peculiar girls that go “AAHHHHHhhhh ooooohhh!” a lot if that’s your thing? It’s mine. Video evidence of Dirty Projectors’ equal parts cuteness/peculiarity Spitchtown witnessed in person: (link)
Video for entire album “Hi Custodian:” (link)
Best Tracks: “About to Die,” “The Socialites,” “Just From Chevron,” “Unto Caesar”
4. Beach House - BLOOM
Shimmering dream-pop. Pound for pound, the most consistent album from this band, although none of the tracks match the first four tracks from Teen Dream, maybe the best album of 2010. Beach House works because their sound is so unlike anything else out there. The emotions they provoke, despite lyrical density, is an achievement in itself. Another achievement by this album: it wins the award for “Most white dots on an album cover” with 2 trillion. Note: I’m pretty sure Victoria LeGrand is a witch judging by her concert Spitchtown visited earlier this year: (link)
Video for “Lazuli:” (link)
Best Tracks: “Myth,” “Wild,” “New Year,” “Lazuli,” “Other People”
3. Hospitality - HOSPITALITY
Catchy, straightforward indie-pop. This crap has been stuck in my head for like 8 months. GET IT OUT. "Lock the door and throw the keeeeey aaaa-wwwwaayyy-ayyyy…" UGH. I don’t know who those people on the cover are, but they’re probably nice/hospitalitable. This was another band Spitchtown visited this year: (link)
Video for “Friends of Friends:” (link)
Best Tracks: “Eighth Avenue,” “Argonauts,” “Liberal Arts,” “Julie”
2. Grizzly Bear - SHIELDS
Baroque indie-rock. More uplifting than Veckatimest, their 2009 masterpiece, but equally epic in scope and production. My favorite track on this has shifted like 13 times and there’s only 10 songs. At this point, my favorite song on Shields isn’t even present on the album (it’s “21 Questions” by 50 Cent).
Best Tracks: “Sleeping Ute,” “Yet Again,” “Half Gate,” “A Simple Answer”
Video for “Yet Again:” (link)
For a while, I figured Shields was going to be my favorite album of 2012. Other than “Adelma,” a minute long instrumental, there isn’t a second of filler on this thing. But I couldn’t in good conscience give Shields the title when this album exists…
THE BEST ALBUM OF 2012 OMG:
Tame Impala - LONERISM
Trippy psychedelic indie-rock. A hippie throwback band fronted by a guy who sounds more like John Lennon than John Lennon did. Songwriting, melodies, song variation, lyrics, production… this album just fires on all cylinders. While it borrows a lot from its 60s influences, Lonerism still sounds wholly fresh and original. It’s the best album of 2012. Note: These guys either do a lot of drugs or there isn’t anything else; that’s the only option. PLZ BE SAFE, TAME IMPALA :/
Video for “Feels Like We Only Go Backwards:” (link)
Best Tracks: “Feels Like We Only Go Backwards,” “Keep On Lying,” “Elephant,” “Why Won’t They Talk to Me?” “Be Above It”… literally all of them honestly.