Intolerant Rant of the Day!
Old people kind of suck.* It’s unsettling how the elderly secretly despise anyone under 30. They harbor nothing but contempt for kids who squander their childhoods in front of monitors, with their Grand Theft Autos, MyFaces and SkypeBook Pro’s.
Fact of the matter is that old people are just useless.
They probably aren’t the biggest fans of The Simpsons either.
I go to Anytime Fitness a couple blocks away. It’s nice and spacious but I carefully evade the locker room like it’s guarded by that dog from The Sandlot. On the few occasions I’ve had to begrudgingly pee because I couldn’t hold it any longer, no less than 6 wrinkly, mole-caked, shameless old men are wandering around in there completely naked like it’s no big deal.
Hey gym geezers: If I wanna be exposed to exorbitant heaps of geriatric dick, I’ll go to med school and become a doctor. Thanks.
There’s a memorable scene in It’s a Wonderful Life where some random eavesdropping a-hole gets annoyed because Jimmy Stewart doesn’t kiss the girl he’s flirting with. He obtrusively proclaims, “Youth is wasted on the wrong people!” and storms off. He effectively throws all romantic cuteness of the moment out the window and ruins everyone’s night, including mine.
We’re to infer that if the old guy were in Jimmy Stewart’s shoes, he’d have forgone conversation for going to town on the chick. But there would’ve been an inconsistency in character development had Jimmy Stewart kissed her at that moment. Duh. Clearly that dude didn’t read the script.
Holla atcha outdated movie scene references.
I haphazardly use the above illustration to make a point that old people dislike the young mostly because, if given the chance to switch places, they would spend their youth differently than us. They wouldn’t “fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way,” but replace heedless irresponsibility with productivity.
If some magnanimous blue genie voiced by Robin Williams strolled by and miraculously gave old people what they wanted, I guarantee they’d fail to follow through 100 times out of 100. When I’m old I’ll probably regret my current apathy, sure. But if I could actually go back and do it all again, I’d waste just as much time, if not more.
Real talk: Youth is meant to be spent frivolously.
Childhood’s great because it’s a time before you have to worry about anything real. It’s when the hardest part of life is getting sunburned or doing 20 minutes of homework. It’s a time when bicycles are the preferred mode of transportation and your mom cooks dinner for you that you can smell from outside. It’s not about being competent cogs of society. We’ll have the rest of our lives to do that crap.
If you’re reading this, and you’re still a kid, neglect everything you’ve ever been told about wasting your childhood (likely by those conniving elderly, no doubt). Go sleep til 2pm and eat Kettle chips and gummy worms every other meal. Go have boxing matches underwater and play GTA for 11 straight hours. Go do hoodrat stuff with your friends. Take your youth completely for granted.
You’ll wish you did later on if you don’t now.
This rant was made possible by a mean-looking old lady who bellowed something resembling a growl towards me today in a grocery store. Maybe it was indigestion, but I interpreted the noise as sheer hatred of my youth. Also, that she was speaking for everyone her age.
*As a future old person, I love old people. The non-judgmental, gentle, generous ones like your grandparents, specifically. And Morgan Freeman, James Earl Jones, and WWII veterans. But that’s it.